Sacrifice

After a very exhausting week at work, my wife and I decided to go to church. As the service started I was trying to get my oldest son to let go of my leg and play with the other two year olds. His cries were deep and horrific, like I was abandoning him and he was begging for me to let him come. So when he finally settled down and started playing I left him there. I swallowed hard and realized he may not trust me anymore. A few minutes later, I had my wife check on him and she found him screaming and kicking the door. So he came upstairs with us in the sanctuary. He was very quiet and made it through the service. I, on the other hand, was having a bad attitude. This is typical as I have not been to church in a while and what I saw bothered me. For no reason! I saw my friends and people who really give their time to comfort me. I saw others praying for each other and laughing and it made me feel sour. Why? Well, because I yearn for relationships, but I can't give the time. I want to minister and be a part, but I am needed with my family. I don't want it any other way except that I want to be able to do it all and not sacrifice anything.

My attitude rapidly changed to admiration as the pastor came up to me and stated that he appreciated me and wanted me to be encouraged to do whatever I need to do to serve my family right now. That means even taking a break from worship team. He affirmed my heart for teaching and stated he would love me to teach percussion , but he knows I am needed elsewhere. It was good to have someone not expect from me. It was a release to be able to make a sound decision and not feel pressured. The decision will be made, but not without a sacrifice. I left my son downstairs knowing he had his own choices to make. He could trust that I would be back for him and he was in a strange, but safe environment or he could think he was left behind and lost in a strange place and never trust me. It is something parents must do for their children. They must push them out a little further until they fly on their own. I think God is giving me the room to make a sound decision based on what is best for my family. I must trust Him that He is there for me and I am not left behind.

My wife told me that she was dreading the day when our sons won't want their mommy anymore. I told her that no matter how old they get, they will always want their mommy. Even if they don't know it.

I know I still do.....

Wasted Years?

Iron Maiden just made national news while touring with Ozzfest this week. It seems Bruce Dickason isn't getting along with Sharon Osbourn, so she had eggs thrown at them as they opened their set. I can't imagine doing something like that in front of thousands of people.
I remember my first rock concert. My mom took my friend Rich and me to see Iron Maiden and Megadeth at the Columbus Convention Center in 1988. It was a great show. The stage was elaborate and theatrical. It was a great experience. Rich, his brother Donovan, and I used to play Maiden songs and they were what we cut our teeth on in the early days. Songs like "The Trooper", "Run to the Hills", "Rime of the Ancient Mariner", and "Wasted Years" were a few of our favorites. Donovan and I still get a kick out of listening to them. They were fun, they were British, and they rock!! I love to see that they are still going strong after almost thirty years. Can't say that about many bands these days. I look back on those days and praise God that I listened to music that pushed my abilities and made me think. They were our heroes and we wanted to be just like 'em. Spandex and all!!!!!!!!!!

Have I Told You, Lately.....

There are times when I get so angry with myself for the way I react to situations. I didn't react in a way that I intended last night with my wife and my anger got the best of me. I am regretful and feeling miserable. I want my wife to know how I feel, but I don't always know how to tell her. I want her to know how I think of her and that I respect her deeply. All I know to say is, "I love you". Right now I feel raw and exposed and like my identity in Christ is being taken from me. I do not want my wife or anyone else to know me as a person that can't control his anger. I want her to know me as her lover and friend. So, I called her and told her, "I love you!" She returned the statement and we are moving past last night. I want to sing to her, "Have I told you, lately, that I love you, And there's no one else above you." I just heard that song and it almost made me cry thinking about her. Praise God for my wife!

Deep And Wide

Father, let us be rooted and grounded in love. Rooted and grounded. It is an awesome thing when you forgive your brothers and sisters in Christ love. I have moved past a lot of anger and hurt, lately, because I was able to talk out my issues with those I love. I usually hold in a lot of my emotion because I am overly sensitive and when something bothers me, I don't let myself say the things that are on my mind. In this case, I'm glad I waited to talk with them because I was spitting venom. The Lord knew the right time for me to talk with them and it was good. Now, things have already begun to change and my attitude has improved overall. I'm not spitting venom, but praising God for my brothers and sisters in Christ. Lord, thank you for my brothers and sisters and for your grace and love that covers me deep and wide. Amen

Destroying The Dark Side?!?!

I had a great drive into work this morning worshipping God. It truly was a blessing as I listened to Dwayne Roberts' "Apostolic Prayers 2". As usual, after worship I space out and start thinking of the really important questions I need to answer. Like, what if magic was destroyed in the fantasy realms? What would take it's place? Would there be gods or just heroes? Would the heroes mutate? Or would technology be the new source of power. If there's a Magic Age, then what age comes next? I wonder if Tolkien ever thought of that. Well, I have, but I don't have an answer yet. I recently read that Lucas is wanting to destroy the Dark Side of the Force in the next trilogy. I think if Lucas does that, he's the Phat Hutt everyone thinks he is trying to make another buck. Meanwhile, he will lose the essence of Star Wars. I didn't get my idea from him, but if I destroyed magic in a fantasy story, would I be losing the essence of fantasy?

Closer to the Heart

Music is very close to my heart. Lately, my connection in the church has been through playing on the Worship Team. Although, I love the new team and I am looking forward to seeing where we go, I have been hearing in the back of my mind that I may need to step down from the team. These thoughts aren't coming from a place of discontent, at least that I know of, but because I think this is a season that I need to just be a father. I love to go to practice, but I feel guilty leaving my wife with the kids when I've been at work all day. I am asking all of my friends to pray for me as I seek discernment. I will not move or step down until I have confirmation from the Lord.

Sticking With It

I had the chance to sit down at my drum kit this week only to discover how krusty I truly am. I went throught the usual warm-up stuff, which was very frustrating to say the least. I have been playing the same rhythms for far too long and they have become signature. It makes me feel like I haven't grown. I will also tell you that I haven't had a good long practice in months. One thing that made me extremely happy (and whole again!) was that I played a latin beat that my cousin, Jim, had constructed for one of his songs. It requires total concentration as all four limbs play a completely seperate rhythm. Accomplishment and pride settled in and I was able to leave my kit holding my glass jaw high.
By the way, have you heard all of the marching band drums in pop music, lately? I just heard the new Will Smith song and it sounds like he's at a pep rally. I wonder who else is gonna follow the trend. Destiny's Child, and Gwen Stefani did it. I do admit that I like it and I want to hear some more. I would love to create cadences for marching bands.

Manhattan Project

The big bang took and shook the world on August 6th, 1945. Sixty years ago the "Enola Gay" dropped two bombs on Japan. I know this is three days late, but I have some thoughts I want to log. I don't know if it was necessary to send "Fat Man" and "Little Boy" to shoot down the "Rising Sun" or not. I just think that we need to remember where we were as a country and how we came to that decision at that time. It was a race to build the bomb. We knew if Hitler had completed it first he would have used it either as a bargaining chip(threat) or a weapon. He may have completed his conquest in conquering the world. I believe in good vs. evil, and black and white. I don't think that decision was so clear, but I do believe that good prevailed and evil was conquered. It makes me wonder why people question the decision to fight the war on terror. It is an evil we must face. Last night, I was watching David Letterman and one of his monologue jokes was about Bush taking a five week vacation. A few minutues later he turned around and asked Paul Shaffer why Osama Bin Laden was still alive. "Why haven't we got him yet?, asked Dave. How profound?!? He doesn't like Bush and his "War on Terror", but he wants to know why the man responsible for America's worst terror attack in history isn't dead. "The hopeful depend on a world without end. Whatever the hopeless may say."

2! Ah, Ah, Ah........

Today marks my first son, Caden's, second birthday. We celebrated his birthday on Sunday with a party. He was very happy about his new toys. His favorite was a little acoustic guitar. He loved it so much he wanted to sleep with it. Elmo was the theme and he got his share of elmo paraphanalia from super balls to outfits. Caden was watching Sesame Street a couple of weeks ago and The Count came on the show. The number of the day was "2" and when he said, "2! Ah, ah, ah..." Caden mocked him. Now his favorite thing to say when we ask, "How old is Caden?" is, "2! ah, ah, ah..."

Lazarus Pool

Last night I was treated by my friend Dave Snook to one of the best comic book movie adaptations I've ever seen. Swanger was also with us. I loved every minute of it until I realized Ducard was Ra's Al Ghul. It was a let down only because I know that Ra's Al Ghul was a character bent on power and eternal life. Using what he called a "Lazarus Pool" to rejuvenate his old decaying body into the body of his youth. I wouldn't be surprised if he is resurrected in another movie using this concept. I think I found one of those "Lazarus Pools" today. As I walked into work, one of my residents asked me for a Career Passport. When I returned to him with the passport in hand he told me his father was passing away and he was being discharged early. I then told him about my mother passing away and how it changed my life. I then shared with him that Jesus was talking to me and I committed my life to him. He was very interested, but being pressed for time he had to return to the floor with the other residents. I always feel rejuvenated after sharing my story and Jesus with others. In a way, it's a resurrection of my faith. May we find "Lazarus Pools" to dip into each day. Praise Your name, Lord.

Brought to you by the letter "luhh"

This morning I'm teaching Orientees at my facility how to relate Therapautic Community to the real world. Most of them struggle with this because they don't get the therapeutic culture. A new lingo, new look, and challenging situations make their stay uncomfortable. I love it because they start to see a glimmer of hope and some end up with a new outlook on life. Every now and then I get to tie in Jesus. I love to teach and I love to spark thoughts and hope in broken men. Imagine this: 90 felons doing the Electric Slide to the tune of "Happy People" by R. Kelly. Amazing!!!!

Mystic Rhythms

On my way to work this morning I decided to put in one of my favorite CD's. Of course, it was Rush's "Power Windows". Now, some of my friends are saying, "What else would he put in?", but, actually, I haven't listened to a Rush CD in at least a month. I forgot how much I enjoyed this CD and I started thinking about why. Being a drummer I am drawn to Neil Peart's awe-inspiring approach. I also think Alex Lifeson is one of the best guitarists to ever live and is oftentimes overlooked in the top guitarist lists. One thing I am usually criticized for is actually loving Geddy Lee's vocals, even though he has been referred to by many as Mickey Mouse. The funny thing is my wife has also fallen in love with his vocal stylings. She is a true convert. Back to this morning: I was lost in air drummer land as I drove down the winding road to work. For those of you who have ever driven in front or in back of me know that it means my arms were flailing about, using everything on the dashboard to simulate a drumset and I knew every lick, fill, and note. Not only does this ritual serve as practice, it gives me the chance to play in front of the world. I was reminded of the rhythms that inspired me to drum in the first place and to study the art form for the last 15 years. I turn my nose up to those who think drums are an easy instrument and that they aren't expressive. Drums are intelligent, emotional, and inspiring. Even though I may not have been looking like it this morning.

Strong is the Sojourn Soul

I wrote a song not too long ago, titled "Sojourn Soul", based on the changes that occurred in the aftermath of a few nuclear bombs that were dropped on my life. Sound depressing? I was... at least for a while. Instead of throwing ashes on my head and tearing my clothes, I found myself sitting in the dark wondering what the heck I was going to do with my life. I had no direction and no clue what was about to happen to me. I was on a different plateau, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I bet you're wondering what those bombs were that seemingly dropped out of the sky and took my life from me. Well, the first was the realization that I didn't love the girl I was living with after I had already proposed marriage. It was a time of anxiety and fear and I knew I had to let her know my heart. In the midst of this knowledge I was carrying around, I found out that my mother had colon cancer. She had found out during a routine visit to her Ob/Gyn. I was so shocked that I couldn't feel the weight of it's burden. The wedding was being planned and we were only two weeks away when I broke the news to my fiance. She was crushed!!! It was the most sickening feeling and all I could do was curl up in a ball and try to sleep from the pain. Needless to say we cancelled the wedding. My mom passed away a few weeks later. I think losing the house hurt worse than calling off the wedding. It was a place where I was safe and I could be creative. I taught myself how to draw comics and I had my own music room. So, what was a sojourn soul to do, but move back in with his dad. It was a major ego blow. I was 23 years old and I had to move back home. It was also hard to adjust with my dad because he was also hurting. This is when I noticed I was sitting in the dark... lost! This is when things changed. If I wanted to drag this story out I could tell you all of the details, but then I would have nothing to blog, so here's the short form. I met my future wife and reacquainted myself with some old friends who introduced me to the Lord. At first I was guarded and unsure, but once He revealed Himself to me I was lost once again. Only this time I was found in his arms. A sojourner is a person that moves around from place to place. I am a sojourner moving from one place to the next in my ultimate pursuit of trying to live a spirit-filled life in Christ. I am moving on......

Strong is the sojourn soul
Strong is the sojourn soul
And the thing that keeps him grounded
is the past that drove him away
He's still moving on