Alter Ego

We judge other people by their actions. We judge ourselves by our intentions. A true statement that hit me deeply, yesterday.

Case in point: I saw a friend from high school at the park. He was playing with his kids and I was with mine. He aksed my youngest his age and he told my friend he was two. I corrected my son and said he was three. My friend said, "See you count like your dad." I wasn't sure what to think of that statement. Then, he told his kids who I am and he said, "He masters the drums." At first I was flattered. I, of course, had to take the humble approach and dismiss any statement that would put me on any pedistal of any kind (I can't let others think that I know I'm good at something!), so I said, "Well, I like to try." But as I thought about the statement later, I became more frustrated that someone thinks of me as "a good drummer". I thought, "Is that all he thinks of me?" Someone who can play drums, but doesn't have much more substance. A dumb drummer! (Yep, my baggage is in full check here folks!)

I guess I want people to know me for other reasons than just something I do. I have devoted a lot of time developing my musical abilities over twenty years. It has paid off and I am now being respected for my skills. I just don't want that to be my only strength. When I walk into the church, I don't want people to look at me and say, "There goes the drummer." I would like them to associate my with other qualities too.

My intentions have always stood in my way of understanding how others see me. My perception is my reality and I hardly have a grip on it. I always have the best of intentions when it comes to my friends, but they don't always hear what those intentions are and they end up seeing me as something I, well, never intended. They see me as angry or as some pitiful bellhop pushing a full cart of luggage asking for tips. Not the imagery I would have them see, but their perception is their reality. They take what i give them, whatever that looks like.

The truth is, I do want to be known as a great drummer. I also want to be known as a great father, husband, brother, son, and man of God. I want all of those things because that is what I intend. I want to impact others for the kingdom. I have something to contribute. I am not just one of those alter egos, but I am all of them in one.

Brought to you by the letter "f"...

Caden's first day of school is next week. He'll be in Kindergarten. I'm excited for him, yet I'm mourning at the same time.

I'll never forget when I went to Kindergarten on the first day of school. My mom didn't send me to Pre-school, so I had no idea she was going to leave me with complete strangers. I balled my eyes out as soon as she started down the hall. I cried for about five minutes and then two kids came over to me and started to play with me. They comforted me and made me feel like I belonged. They remained my friends until 3rd Grade. Then they both moved. One moved to London, Ohio and the other's dad passed away, so he moved to Richwood, Ohio. I miss elementary school. It was fun! I hope Caden will enjoy it like I did. Lord, bless Caden as he goes to school.

Hankering for a Hunk ahh.....

Creativity!!!

I am longing to create something even though I don't know what it will become.

I love to have this yearning in my heart. It reminds me of how God is The Creator and I must have some of his traits in me to also chase after it. I drive myself crazy because I don't always know where to go, but I still strive to make or do something out of nothing. It's the beauty of creation.

Thank You Lord!

Confession

I recently confessed something to my wife that I had been holding onto for a year. What it is doesn't matter except that I held onto it for far too long.

Through the past year, I was wrestling with myself and with God telling me to confess. I knew in my heart if I confessed that He would take care of everything else. He would redeem me and I would be restored. But it's not easy to go forward when all you're doing is walking backward. It's like I could see Him, but I just kept moving away. He kept beckoning during every service on Sunday. And I mean every service. He didn't let up. I knew it would have to come down to confession.

Psalm 32:5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD "— and you forgave the guilt of my sin. Selah

Finally, as I confessed, I felt relieved and horrible all at the same time. I was ready to cry because it was such a burden off my shoulders, yet it felt so good to remove it.

My wife has been gracious. Even though she has a hard time understanding she still shows she loves me and is willing to fight for me. I thank God for her. She has to put up with a lot from me.

Proverbs 28:13 He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.

Now, things have become so much more open. I feel like God is inviting me to come closer. I've had the opportunity to worship him more freely. My worship team has experienced growth and unity even in the midst of adversity.

Isaiah 59:1 Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save, nor his ear to dull to hear.

.......It feels good not to carry a secret.......

We All Fall Down

Two nights ago, Casey and I were riding bikes with our boys around the school and in our back alleys when Caden, my oldest, said he wanted to take his training wheels off.

I asked him if he was sure. He said, "Yes. I'm ready!" So we went back home and took them off.

He started out really unstable and shifting his weight from side to side while I held onto the back of his seat. After a few times around the drive he started to speed up, which made it very hard to keep up with him. Finally, he started heading toward the soccer field behind our house. I told him to stop because he was running out of road, but he just kept going. Down into the ditch and right out into the field. He joyfully screamed, "Im doing it!!!" He peddled about the width of our back yard, looked back at Casey and me, and then tumbled to the ground.

It was a glorious moment as he conquered the road only to crash and burn at the very end. He started crying because the bolts that held his training wheels scraped his shins. I remember those kind of scrapes. They sting!! But they don't seem to hurt as bad as our pride. He didn't like to wreck, but he kept getting back on and fighting.

Later, he asked if he could have his training wheels back on the bike. I told him no. He started whining and begging, but I told him that we don't go backward, but we keep getting on the bike even when it hurts. That wasn't what he wanted to hear at that moment, but the next day, he was so excited to go ride his bike and tell his grandma and grandpa what he had accomplished.

Healer

The last few days have been pretty rough for me at work and at home. I addressed a resident in front of the residential community for not holding his brother accountable because he "turned his head". The resident quickly responded with, "You're wrong!" This made me tense and I reacted with "You are not to address me on this!!" He said it again in which I sent him to the bench. I let his insubordination get to me and I freaked. My anger burned, as it can very easily, which made me even more angry with myself.

I lost sleep that night because I was so upset at the whole situation. My heart kept telling me I overreacted and I need to make peace with the resident. My head kept telling me I was not in the wrong for holding him accountable and for sending him to the bench. Therefore I have this duality that is holding me back from peace.

I talked with my boss and she was concerned that I was still holding onto it overnight. She was asking what triggered this anger. I had no idea until the longer we talked the more I realized I want to be in control and when I am challenged on that control my defenses raise. I want to be heard and respected by everyone.


In the past I haven't got that from too many people. I have had a lot of friends hurt me because they didn't respect me for who I am. I wasn't smart enough, cool enough, rich enough, etc... It had taken a real toll on how I view people. Even those I love.

It has held me captive, which has stopped me from making amends with friends, and has stopped me from letting go of the wrongs and forgiving them.

It has even stopped me from going up front to pray with those who are in need. I know I should be going forward, but I don't because I am hanging on to judgement of man. I am letting myself be held captive by fear of what others think or thought of me. I was watching Lady in the Water tonight. It is so inspiring to see how the events unfold as real people discover their gifts. They stumble or they are afraid. Paul Giamatti's character is told he is the Healer, so, afraid, he tells them he can't do it. He is facing his past as he stutters to say no. The man with whom he respects says, "Shut up and try!", and Paul goes forward with the ceremony.
I know God is telling me to make peace. He's telling me to try. I am fighting with my duality and I am tossed amongst the waves. I don't know if I want to let go. It's the right thing to do. But that doesn't mean I want to do it.

The Saga Continues...

Due to the current weather conditions my boys have not had the chance to go outside and get rid of their daily anxst. Instead, they literally have been climbing the walls. So I saw this as an opportunity to show them some of my most beloved movies.

They already saw the Transformers live action movie a few weeks ago and fell in love with Optimus Prime and showing them the animated Transformers the Movie was a natural progression. As I saw the boys' eyes light up as we talked about Transformers I thought it was a perfect time to show them Star Wars.

I started them out on A New Hope because I was exactly Caden's age (4years old) when I went to the theatre to see it with my family. It was the Loew's Theatre on Henderson Road now replaced by a strip mall.

Caden resisted at first because he really wanted to see Transformers again, but as the movie progressed, he was ready to watch more. He and Ethan asked to watch another Star Wars movie, so we watched The Empire Strikes Back (my all time favorite). We finished Return of the Jedi on Sunday and I think it's safe to say the boys are hooked. Casey isn't sure what to think of it, but I was so giddy with excitement my eyes started to water. I have been waiting for these moments and they were very cool. I knew they would love them and I think I waited long enough to show them.

Little do they know I have a whole box full of 3.5" dolls just waiting to be opened to continue the saga...

Freezing Anticipation: Part 13 of the Drummer's Almanac

The brothers Goble and I got together recently to jam out some tunes we have always wanted to play or thought would be fun. Well, not many of them were fun. In fact a couple of them were boring because we don;t have vocals or the parts aren't fun to play.

We started with Kingdom Come's "Should I". Cool guitar riff and Zeppelin-like vocals, but it didn't make for a real rockin' time. AC/DC's "Highway to Hell" was a little more raucous, yet it was still missing the screaming vocals to finish it out. We threw in a blues song for kicks so Rich could solo. We nailed that one and moved on to The Guess Who's "No Sugar Tonight". A nice grooving song that feels good but, we were missing the organ which carries a lot of the song.

Finally, we got to the magnum opus, Rush's "Freewill". At first listen, it's a terribly difficult song having a 13/8 time signature and all. Rich played one note in the wrong place and it threw Donovan and I completely off. We reviewed the song again and Rich got it. We started again, but only made it through the first verse. Rush is known for it's muscal complexities and now we know why. I already know each and every fill in the entire song, but that doesn't matter if I can't play them. My hands froze up on me and I rushed the song several times in anticipation of the next fill. It was almost painful, yet we trudged along. It had now become a challenge to get through this song. We ended up making it to the bridge part about halfway through the song. That's where things get real complicated, so we decided to work on it individually until we get back together.

It's funny how you think you will handle something and then you react in a totally unexpected way. It told me to go back to woodshed and blister my hands until I get it right. It also told me it is good to stretch out and learn new things that challenge me and push me to my limits.

Land of a Thousand Santas

I don't think I have seen as many Santas in one season as I have this year. My boys have literally seen Santa Claus six to seven times. We even saw two just today.

We saw one on the train ride today. He was pretty cool. He didn't look great, but his attitude was awesome. He had a lot of kids to hold walking up and down the aisles. We went to an outlet called Rocky's Outfitters, when we stepped off the train, which was a typical hunter's paradise. As soon as we entered the second room, lo and behold!!!! Santa Claus. Yes, they took another picture with him and even got their grandma to buy it. They didn't really pick up on the fact that his beard and mustache were styled slightly different.

Caden did notice the other day when we went to see Marysville's Santa, downtown. He asked why Santa looked different than he saw before. We had to play that one off cleverly. He looked more authentic and was the most jolly and warm. It was almost like a picture when we saw a little girl go before us and run up to him and give him a big hug. My boys weren't shy, either, and told him exactly what they wanted this year without stutter or stammer. I would like to go see him again just because he looked and acted like the "real" Santa.

And one more thing... If you are one of those people who think Santa saying "HO, HO, HO" is offensive to women and he should go on a diet... Piss off and quit ruining it for the rest of us! We like Santa how he was, is, and always will be. Fat and jolly!!!

And the walls came tumbling down

"And the walls came tumbling down...

And the walls came tumbling down..."

by Charlie Hall

I have a picture of Samson in my head where he was chained to the pillars in the phillistine temple. He was blind, yet bent on killing every Phillistine that ever lived. He used his might one last time and brought the whole building down on top of every Phillistine there and ... himself.

That is how I was feeling the last few weeks and it all came to a head this week as I concluded my OWDS training. I got a perfect score on both practicums and didn't do too bad on my post test either(94/100). My team project was presented to our trainers and we did very well as we received a lot of positive and realistic feedback to help implement in our own agencies. I am very excited!!!

Now, all of the weight is lifted and I am free!!! I can now focus on getting myself organized again and back in the swing of my normal routine. I really love my normal routine. My family does too.

Under Pressure

Today, I am feeling weighed down. I am feeling the pressure of the coming week as many things are starting to converge.

I have paint just sitting around the house, staring me down, asking me, "when are you going to finish the house?" Worship team practice and Trick or Treat night are going to hinder the timeliness of the project. I also have the second week of training start on Monday. I am not looking forward to this because it is way more work than necessary. I also don't know if I'm going to be compensated for all of my hard work. Even if I do complete the training, I may not get certified. That isn't giving me the incentive I was hoping for, either. After the kids go to bed, I have two modules to read for my test, first thing in the morning. I also have laundry and dishes piling up. Even though that isn't very serious, it adds to my stress. Casey is helping me get the laundry done.

We have been in a marathon at work. That is a process in which we shut down programming and make the residents work out issues or behaviors in the house. Think of it like a Fillibuster in Congress. Add that to the fact that I was acting Coordinator for two weeks and I think I'm ready for a vacation. I'm not burned out, I'm just tired.

Not to end on a sour note, I changed my tax exemptions on my w-4. I got back money on my check that really saved our butt. I treated the family to a night at the dollar($2.00 actually) movies(we saw Ratatouille), $1.75 meal at Wendy's/Tim Horton's (chicken nuggets and a doughnut), and a trip to Petland to see all the animals. It was a great night of family fun. That's extravagance!!!

Yo, Joe!!!

They're making one of my favorite 80's cartoons and action figures into a movie. Snake Eyes, Flint, Gung-Ho, Duke, and Scarlett will be hitting the big screen as well as Cobra Commander, Destro, Storm Shadow, and The Baronness.

I used to have almost all of the 3.5" action figures when I was a kid. I loved it and I think it had as much of an influence on me as Star Wars. I also had a few comics and watched the cartoon religiously after school everyday.

Snake Eyes is as cool as Wolverine and even more mysterious. The other characters were a little on the cheesy side, but every now then they would create one that was really original and fun.

In light of current events in the world, this movie will probably cause quite the stir as Cobra, a terror organization, tries to take over the world.

The movie has been changed from the original concept, which is a group of americans, to a new global p.c. version. G.I. Joe will be made up of international agents to be able to market overseas.

Interesting tidbit: a carrier pigeon by the name of G.I. Joe brought a crucial message to Italy and saved thousands of lives during World War II. This is where it started.

and now, you know...

And knowing is half the battle! Yo, joe!!!

Age to Age: Part 34 of the Drummer's Almanac

My wife and I were watching an interview with Neil Peart that took place in Canada in 1996. He was thinner, much less grey, and a lot more full of life.

The first thing Casey said was, "He looks happier." This interview was a year before Neil lost his wife and only daughter. He was definitely younger looking.

Now, after those tragic events in 1997 (the same year I lost my mom), he looks older. It shows in his posture. You can't hear a difference. In fact, He's sounds more masterful than ever. You can just see the difference in his eyes.

I think back to when I first started playing drums. How I used to approach music and my playing. It was more raw. Less methodical, but more gut level. It had an energy. I think that's why you see old dudes trying to relive the past by playing classic rock. They want to feel that hunger they felt at sixteen.

I still feel it. When I hear a certain song or groove. It fires me up and I make a face. My nose wrinkles up and my lips stick out. It's like when people throw up the rock sign and bang their head. Absurd, but rockin'.

The good thing that comes with age is technique. It's all about the technique. After seventeen years of playin', I better have something to show for it. I can sometimes even make it look easier than what it is, given the right situation. Which is just enough to keep my self esteem at a low level resonant buzz.

That is until I listen to that old guy(51) with bags under his eyes, greying hair, and that sagging posture make my playing sound like a train wreck.

Hope

Some things that gave me hope.....

I just read chapter five in Rob Bell's book Velvet Elvis. It is inspiring and motivational. I had a gush of hope swell up inside of me when he talked about the "old man" having to die. I must believe that the new me is there and I can already be that person. I don't need to wait on some miracle because Jesus already took care of it for me.

He believes in me more than I believe in myself. He sees my potential.

Let me remind you that I have heard this in my head. I'm not yet sure if I have ears to hear this in my heart.

I do know God spoke this to me as I was reading this chapter. It was uplifting and I want more.

We found where we can gain more money in our pocket through changing how much we claim on our taxes. This was confirmed by family, friends, and from our Financial Peace University group.

We have significantly less to pay on our van than we thought. We will pay this debt off at the beginning of next year. (freedom, ALTHOUGH SMALL)

Our friends have helped us out by giving us much needed food and clothing.

Our friends are going to give us more by helping us paint our house. This is not a need, but just a want.

Jesus takes care of me even when I do nothing.....

Back to the Real World

Whew! My head is still spinning from my past week at training. I didn't know what I was getting myself into. So, when I found out we were having a test each morning and homework each night, I was slightly perturbed.

I found it very difficult to be a family man and be a part of this training. I usually had to wait until 9:00pm each night to start my homework.

Just to give you some background on this training; It's a two and a half week intensive to become an Offender Workforce Development Specialist. Basically, it's a training to make me a better advocate for offenders in the workforce.

The practicum is pretty intense. I have a log I have to keep, so they know I'm doing the work, assessments to administer to my residents, a ten minute presentation on a topic from the training, and a thirty minute interview session with an offender using the skills from training. I have two weeks to complete the practicum. I'm only slightly nervous.

My hope is that I can use this training to help me progress not only where I am, but beyond. I love what I do. I couldn't ask for a better position, but we all know the pay is less than I deserve.

When I finish this certification process I will have a credential to my name, college credit hours, a network of individuals in the field across Ohio and better facilitation skills necessary for teaching/training and giving presentations. Pray I keep my sanity.

Goings On

This week I am off to training in Delaware to become a certified Offender Workforce Development Specialist. It consists of three training weeks and lots of homework. By the time I'm finished I will have a certification and college credit. I'm really excited because this will propel me into the future. I will have a weighty credential that will help me look up and out.

Today we are taking Caden and Ethan to Marmon Valley for hayrides, and petting zoos. Should be lot of fun for the kids. Caden's preschool is sponsoring the event.

Tonight, I play with One80 at the Vineyard Cafe on Cooper Road in Columbus.

Thank you doesn't seem like enough to our friends who have blessed us this week and last with money and food. You know who you are. We bless you and thank you and love you.

Who Is He?

Man was I suckered today! I was in the Women's wing observing an encounter where we address someone on their positive, or in this case, negative behavior. One of the counselors in the women's wing tricked me into thinking the next activity was going to be a "Who Is She?". A tool we use to give someone positive affirmations. So, of course I'm just waiting for it to start and she announces to the community that Mr. Clay needs to go have a seat in front of everyone for a "Who Is He."

My back is facing the community, so I don't get to see who is addressing me.

All of the women(14) gave me positive affirmations. Some of it was funny and others were very heartfelt.

I cried.

I didn't cry because I wanted to hear those things to be able to do my job or because I feel I deserve them. I cried because I know God has sent me there to work with people. He knows that I love to see changes in people and to hear them get ahold of something they never had before. He certainly didn't send me there to make money. I love people!

Everyday, I see brokenness, destruction, bitterness, yearning, striving, healing, mourning, love, jealousy, hate, tragedy, enjoyment, etc...

God brings me close to those things and lets me see them face to face. And as He does I see my world and my life and my faith start to change. I see more of myself in them and I can relate.

I couldn't have asked for this job to be created. He just knew my heart and gave it something really good.

Calling It

Have you seen the new commercial for "Carpoolers". The one where all four guys are sitting in the car looking ahead and doing their own quirky little habits on their way to work , meanwhile listening to Phil Collins' "In the Air Tonight". Right when the drums kick in they all start air drumming. I called it before they started air drumming. But that was predictable. What I'm going to talk about isn't predictable.

I'm not clairvoyant(there's a word I haven't heard in a while) nor do I believe I'm psychic. I believe the Holy Spirit has been giving me little hints of things to come.

For example, the women residents wanted to give me a "Who is He" where they tell me all of the positive things they like about me. I thought about it earlier and heard a voice in my head say, you are going to get a "Who is He" today. I scoffed at it and passed it off as wishful thinking. But later, there it was written up on the white board for all staff to see. A Mr. Clay-Who is He.

I have been sneezing my head off for the past two weeks due to a head cold and allergies. I went to my father-in law's house and as we were talking that same voice said, "don't worry, he is going to give you some medicine." A few minutes later, he gave me allergy medication.

As most of you know, I'm a big fan of Rush. They are in concert tonight and I have been pretty quiet about not being able to go. Lawn seats are $31.00 and we haven't had enough money to buy food and gas. So, I was hoping for a miracle. I had pretty much told myself I was wasn't going to the show even though I was heartbroken. My friend I play music with called me and left a message asking if I was going to the show. Before I called him back I heard that voice again say he may give you a ticket. Once again, I scoffed. When I called him, I told him I couldn't because of my money situation. He said he wanted to give me a ticket. His wife didn't really want to go and he would be very happy if I took the ticket. I was really blessed.

These situations let me know God is still there. I am not great at hearing His voice. That is something I have struggled with deeply. I just have been hearing it and it has come to pass. We have been blessed richly through Him in the last few days. God has really come through even when we don't ask.

Looney Tunes Spotlight Collection: King

absolutely one of my all time favorites. Cartoon violence is great!!!

Family Guy Star Wars Special Preview

This has to be one of the best!!!