Alter Ego

We judge other people by their actions. We judge ourselves by our intentions. A true statement that hit me deeply, yesterday.

Case in point: I saw a friend from high school at the park. He was playing with his kids and I was with mine. He aksed my youngest his age and he told my friend he was two. I corrected my son and said he was three. My friend said, "See you count like your dad." I wasn't sure what to think of that statement. Then, he told his kids who I am and he said, "He masters the drums." At first I was flattered. I, of course, had to take the humble approach and dismiss any statement that would put me on any pedistal of any kind (I can't let others think that I know I'm good at something!), so I said, "Well, I like to try." But as I thought about the statement later, I became more frustrated that someone thinks of me as "a good drummer". I thought, "Is that all he thinks of me?" Someone who can play drums, but doesn't have much more substance. A dumb drummer! (Yep, my baggage is in full check here folks!)

I guess I want people to know me for other reasons than just something I do. I have devoted a lot of time developing my musical abilities over twenty years. It has paid off and I am now being respected for my skills. I just don't want that to be my only strength. When I walk into the church, I don't want people to look at me and say, "There goes the drummer." I would like them to associate my with other qualities too.

My intentions have always stood in my way of understanding how others see me. My perception is my reality and I hardly have a grip on it. I always have the best of intentions when it comes to my friends, but they don't always hear what those intentions are and they end up seeing me as something I, well, never intended. They see me as angry or as some pitiful bellhop pushing a full cart of luggage asking for tips. Not the imagery I would have them see, but their perception is their reality. They take what i give them, whatever that looks like.

The truth is, I do want to be known as a great drummer. I also want to be known as a great father, husband, brother, son, and man of God. I want all of those things because that is what I intend. I want to impact others for the kingdom. I have something to contribute. I am not just one of those alter egos, but I am all of them in one.

Brought to you by the letter "f"...

Caden's first day of school is next week. He'll be in Kindergarten. I'm excited for him, yet I'm mourning at the same time.

I'll never forget when I went to Kindergarten on the first day of school. My mom didn't send me to Pre-school, so I had no idea she was going to leave me with complete strangers. I balled my eyes out as soon as she started down the hall. I cried for about five minutes and then two kids came over to me and started to play with me. They comforted me and made me feel like I belonged. They remained my friends until 3rd Grade. Then they both moved. One moved to London, Ohio and the other's dad passed away, so he moved to Richwood, Ohio. I miss elementary school. It was fun! I hope Caden will enjoy it like I did. Lord, bless Caden as he goes to school.

Hankering for a Hunk ahh.....

Creativity!!!

I am longing to create something even though I don't know what it will become.

I love to have this yearning in my heart. It reminds me of how God is The Creator and I must have some of his traits in me to also chase after it. I drive myself crazy because I don't always know where to go, but I still strive to make or do something out of nothing. It's the beauty of creation.

Thank You Lord!

Confession

I recently confessed something to my wife that I had been holding onto for a year. What it is doesn't matter except that I held onto it for far too long.

Through the past year, I was wrestling with myself and with God telling me to confess. I knew in my heart if I confessed that He would take care of everything else. He would redeem me and I would be restored. But it's not easy to go forward when all you're doing is walking backward. It's like I could see Him, but I just kept moving away. He kept beckoning during every service on Sunday. And I mean every service. He didn't let up. I knew it would have to come down to confession.

Psalm 32:5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD "— and you forgave the guilt of my sin. Selah

Finally, as I confessed, I felt relieved and horrible all at the same time. I was ready to cry because it was such a burden off my shoulders, yet it felt so good to remove it.

My wife has been gracious. Even though she has a hard time understanding she still shows she loves me and is willing to fight for me. I thank God for her. She has to put up with a lot from me.

Proverbs 28:13 He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.

Now, things have become so much more open. I feel like God is inviting me to come closer. I've had the opportunity to worship him more freely. My worship team has experienced growth and unity even in the midst of adversity.

Isaiah 59:1 Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save, nor his ear to dull to hear.

.......It feels good not to carry a secret.......

We All Fall Down

Two nights ago, Casey and I were riding bikes with our boys around the school and in our back alleys when Caden, my oldest, said he wanted to take his training wheels off.

I asked him if he was sure. He said, "Yes. I'm ready!" So we went back home and took them off.

He started out really unstable and shifting his weight from side to side while I held onto the back of his seat. After a few times around the drive he started to speed up, which made it very hard to keep up with him. Finally, he started heading toward the soccer field behind our house. I told him to stop because he was running out of road, but he just kept going. Down into the ditch and right out into the field. He joyfully screamed, "Im doing it!!!" He peddled about the width of our back yard, looked back at Casey and me, and then tumbled to the ground.

It was a glorious moment as he conquered the road only to crash and burn at the very end. He started crying because the bolts that held his training wheels scraped his shins. I remember those kind of scrapes. They sting!! But they don't seem to hurt as bad as our pride. He didn't like to wreck, but he kept getting back on and fighting.

Later, he asked if he could have his training wheels back on the bike. I told him no. He started whining and begging, but I told him that we don't go backward, but we keep getting on the bike even when it hurts. That wasn't what he wanted to hear at that moment, but the next day, he was so excited to go ride his bike and tell his grandma and grandpa what he had accomplished.

Healer

The last few days have been pretty rough for me at work and at home. I addressed a resident in front of the residential community for not holding his brother accountable because he "turned his head". The resident quickly responded with, "You're wrong!" This made me tense and I reacted with "You are not to address me on this!!" He said it again in which I sent him to the bench. I let his insubordination get to me and I freaked. My anger burned, as it can very easily, which made me even more angry with myself.

I lost sleep that night because I was so upset at the whole situation. My heart kept telling me I overreacted and I need to make peace with the resident. My head kept telling me I was not in the wrong for holding him accountable and for sending him to the bench. Therefore I have this duality that is holding me back from peace.

I talked with my boss and she was concerned that I was still holding onto it overnight. She was asking what triggered this anger. I had no idea until the longer we talked the more I realized I want to be in control and when I am challenged on that control my defenses raise. I want to be heard and respected by everyone.


In the past I haven't got that from too many people. I have had a lot of friends hurt me because they didn't respect me for who I am. I wasn't smart enough, cool enough, rich enough, etc... It had taken a real toll on how I view people. Even those I love.

It has held me captive, which has stopped me from making amends with friends, and has stopped me from letting go of the wrongs and forgiving them.

It has even stopped me from going up front to pray with those who are in need. I know I should be going forward, but I don't because I am hanging on to judgement of man. I am letting myself be held captive by fear of what others think or thought of me. I was watching Lady in the Water tonight. It is so inspiring to see how the events unfold as real people discover their gifts. They stumble or they are afraid. Paul Giamatti's character is told he is the Healer, so, afraid, he tells them he can't do it. He is facing his past as he stutters to say no. The man with whom he respects says, "Shut up and try!", and Paul goes forward with the ceremony.
I know God is telling me to make peace. He's telling me to try. I am fighting with my duality and I am tossed amongst the waves. I don't know if I want to let go. It's the right thing to do. But that doesn't mean I want to do it.

The Saga Continues...

Due to the current weather conditions my boys have not had the chance to go outside and get rid of their daily anxst. Instead, they literally have been climbing the walls. So I saw this as an opportunity to show them some of my most beloved movies.

They already saw the Transformers live action movie a few weeks ago and fell in love with Optimus Prime and showing them the animated Transformers the Movie was a natural progression. As I saw the boys' eyes light up as we talked about Transformers I thought it was a perfect time to show them Star Wars.

I started them out on A New Hope because I was exactly Caden's age (4years old) when I went to the theatre to see it with my family. It was the Loew's Theatre on Henderson Road now replaced by a strip mall.

Caden resisted at first because he really wanted to see Transformers again, but as the movie progressed, he was ready to watch more. He and Ethan asked to watch another Star Wars movie, so we watched The Empire Strikes Back (my all time favorite). We finished Return of the Jedi on Sunday and I think it's safe to say the boys are hooked. Casey isn't sure what to think of it, but I was so giddy with excitement my eyes started to water. I have been waiting for these moments and they were very cool. I knew they would love them and I think I waited long enough to show them.

Little do they know I have a whole box full of 3.5" dolls just waiting to be opened to continue the saga...

Freezing Anticipation: Part 13 of the Drummer's Almanac

The brothers Goble and I got together recently to jam out some tunes we have always wanted to play or thought would be fun. Well, not many of them were fun. In fact a couple of them were boring because we don;t have vocals or the parts aren't fun to play.

We started with Kingdom Come's "Should I". Cool guitar riff and Zeppelin-like vocals, but it didn't make for a real rockin' time. AC/DC's "Highway to Hell" was a little more raucous, yet it was still missing the screaming vocals to finish it out. We threw in a blues song for kicks so Rich could solo. We nailed that one and moved on to The Guess Who's "No Sugar Tonight". A nice grooving song that feels good but, we were missing the organ which carries a lot of the song.

Finally, we got to the magnum opus, Rush's "Freewill". At first listen, it's a terribly difficult song having a 13/8 time signature and all. Rich played one note in the wrong place and it threw Donovan and I completely off. We reviewed the song again and Rich got it. We started again, but only made it through the first verse. Rush is known for it's muscal complexities and now we know why. I already know each and every fill in the entire song, but that doesn't matter if I can't play them. My hands froze up on me and I rushed the song several times in anticipation of the next fill. It was almost painful, yet we trudged along. It had now become a challenge to get through this song. We ended up making it to the bridge part about halfway through the song. That's where things get real complicated, so we decided to work on it individually until we get back together.

It's funny how you think you will handle something and then you react in a totally unexpected way. It told me to go back to woodshed and blister my hands until I get it right. It also told me it is good to stretch out and learn new things that challenge me and push me to my limits.