Healer

The last few days have been pretty rough for me at work and at home. I addressed a resident in front of the residential community for not holding his brother accountable because he "turned his head". The resident quickly responded with, "You're wrong!" This made me tense and I reacted with "You are not to address me on this!!" He said it again in which I sent him to the bench. I let his insubordination get to me and I freaked. My anger burned, as it can very easily, which made me even more angry with myself.

I lost sleep that night because I was so upset at the whole situation. My heart kept telling me I overreacted and I need to make peace with the resident. My head kept telling me I was not in the wrong for holding him accountable and for sending him to the bench. Therefore I have this duality that is holding me back from peace.

I talked with my boss and she was concerned that I was still holding onto it overnight. She was asking what triggered this anger. I had no idea until the longer we talked the more I realized I want to be in control and when I am challenged on that control my defenses raise. I want to be heard and respected by everyone.


In the past I haven't got that from too many people. I have had a lot of friends hurt me because they didn't respect me for who I am. I wasn't smart enough, cool enough, rich enough, etc... It had taken a real toll on how I view people. Even those I love.

It has held me captive, which has stopped me from making amends with friends, and has stopped me from letting go of the wrongs and forgiving them.

It has even stopped me from going up front to pray with those who are in need. I know I should be going forward, but I don't because I am hanging on to judgement of man. I am letting myself be held captive by fear of what others think or thought of me. I was watching Lady in the Water tonight. It is so inspiring to see how the events unfold as real people discover their gifts. They stumble or they are afraid. Paul Giamatti's character is told he is the Healer, so, afraid, he tells them he can't do it. He is facing his past as he stutters to say no. The man with whom he respects says, "Shut up and try!", and Paul goes forward with the ceremony.
I know God is telling me to make peace. He's telling me to try. I am fighting with my duality and I am tossed amongst the waves. I don't know if I want to let go. It's the right thing to do. But that doesn't mean I want to do it.